“Are We Dating the Same Guy?”: Sisterhood or Digital Witch Hunt?

What started as a sisterhood safe space to protect women from cheaters and abusers has morphed into a viral exposé network — part warning system, part revenge fantasy. But is it helping women... or just hurting everyone?

In an era where swiping right can be as intimate as a handshake and ghosting has become a common break-up tactic, it’s no surprise that women are turning to each other for clarity, solidarity, and, sometimes, survival.

“Are We Dating the Same Guy?”—a closed Facebook group with city-specific chapters spanning the globe—was born from this very need. Marketed as a sisterly safe haven to empower, support, and protect women from deceptive, dangerous, or emotionally abusive men, the group has blossomed into something far bigger and more controversial.

Depending on who you ask, it’s either a necessary modern-day whisper network... or a digital version of the Salem witch trials.

A New Age Sisterhood—Or Is It?

Let’s start with what made this group revolutionary in the first place:

• The original intent was straightforward: protect women by sharing information about men who may be cheaters, abusers, or even worse. It gave women a voice and a tool—one previously unheard of on such a massive scale—to shield each other from harm.

• Women post screenshots of dating profiles or photos of men, typically with the question, “Any tea on this guy?” The comment sections then explode with everything from glowing endorsements to spine-chilling warnings.

• Some users have credited the group with saving their lives or sparing them years of emotional trauma. One woman in the UK discovered a man she was chatting with had killed someone and was in jail for manslaughter. Another learned that the man who ghosted her because of a supposed donkey death not only didn’t own a donkey—but was already engaged.

There’s no denying the cathartic power of shared experiences, especially for women navigating the minefield of modern dating. It's community-driven due diligence. A crowdsourced background check powered by heartbreak, intuition, and a whole lot of screenshots.

But then... it gets murky.

When Calling Out Turns Into Calling Shots

Here’s the hard truth: while some of these posts are about real, documented danger, many are rooted in miscommunication, jealousy, or the sting of rejection.

And that’s where the waters muddy fast.

• Some men are being named and shamed without any context, proof, or the ability to defend themselves.

• A guy who ends a relationship respectfully might find his face splashed across a city’s Facebook group, labeled a narcissist, with anonymous users urging women to “warn their friends.”

• Others have found themselves accused of everything from ghosting to gaslighting, with zero chance to provide their side of the story—because they’re not part of the group, and in many cases, they never know it’s happening at all.

This is where things shift from empowering to possibly toxic.

What began as a community alert system for serious danger has evolved into a platform where emotional pain often blurs with factual reporting. The line between warning and revenge has become perilously thin.

The Legal Landmines

Chicago resident Nikko D’Ambrosio made headlines after he filed a lawsuit against nearly 30 women—many of them moderators in the Chicago chapter of “Are We Dating the Same Guy?”—alleging defamation. His photograph was posted, followed by a flood of negative comments, including a misleading link to an article about a sexual assault case involving someone else entirely.

His attorney compared the situation to a “digital scarlet letter.”

And he’s not alone. Men have reported being put on administrative leave at work, losing personal relationships, and suffering reputational harm due to anonymous posts. While libel cases are tough to prove—particularly in online spaces where opinion and fact are often mashed together like a messy breakup text—legal experts warn that the consequences can be very real.

Even when the posts are anonymous, wealthy or determined men have successfully petitioned Facebook's parent company, Meta, to unmask users and pursue litigation.

Still, attorney Michele McBride Simonelli argues that these risks don’t necessarily outweigh the benefits. “The service that it provides outweighs the danger that it may potentially provide to somebody that’s on the group,” she said. For many women, the group acts as a living archive, a modern-day village square where red flags aren’t just discussed—they’re spotlighted.

When the System Fails, Women Step In

Much of the group’s power—and controversy—stems from the vacuum left by institutional failures.

• Under Clare’s Law in the UK, women can request information about a partner’s criminal history, but the process is often slow, bureaucratic, and requires police involvement many women don’t trust or feel safe engaging with.

• Online communities fill that void. As family law barrister Charlotte Proudman puts it, “Given that one in four women will be raped or sexually assaulted, and many lack confidence that statutory services will keep them safe, it is understandable that women are using these spaces.”

Karen Ingala Smith, CEO of a UK-based domestic violence charity, adds, “When it comes to men’s violence against women, I am delighted that women find other ways to protect each other. Sisters are doing it for themselves. Long may it continue.”

That said, even she acknowledges the system is imperfect.

Because for every woman who discovers her boyfriend has a secret family or a violent past, there’s another woman who’s watching a former partner’s name dragged through the mud for ending a relationship or failing to call back.

Emotional Abuse vs. Actual Danger

Another grey area is the type of abuse being called out.

• Emotional manipulation, love bombing, and narcissistic behavior are frequently cited. These are damaging and deeply real—but they are also subjective and not always easy to define.

• One woman shared that her ex was labeled dangerous in the group, even though he hadn’t committed any crime. Another warned that she was outed as the poster by a mutual friend—a “mole”—which created backlash against her offline.

It becomes a cycle: hurt people post, hurt people respond, and soon, no one knows where the line is between support and smear campaign.

Is This Empowerment or Policed Dating?

So, where does that leave us?

On one hand, the group offers something powerful: a digital support system in a world where women are still often blamed for their own trauma.

But on the other, there’s an increasing vibe of policing men’s romantic behavior—often based on hearsay or unresolved feelings.

We’re walking a tightrope between accountability and cancel culture, between support and slander.

And while the group’s founding mission—to protect women from dangerous men—is noble and essential, the execution sometimes risks becoming a tool for public revenge rather than private safety.

The Verdict: Caution With Compassion

At its best, “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” is a radical tool for truth-telling and self-defense. At its worst, it’s a gossip ring with pitchfork energy.

We owe it to ourselves—and to each other—to treat these spaces with the care they deserve.

If you’re posting, ask yourself: is this a warning or a wound? Is this man truly unsafe—or just someone who didn’t meet your expectations?

If you’re reading, remember: screenshots don’t always tell the full story.

Empowerment isn’t about mob mentality. It’s about discernment, honesty, and protecting each other with compassion—not just outrage.

Because while we’re busy checking if we’re dating the same guy, let’s make sure we’re also not becoming the same problem.