From Love to Fear: A Woman’s Journey Through Domestic Violence and Justice

"He danced in the living room, crafting love songs with my name in them. In those moments, I felt happy and loved. But on other days, I feared for my life." What drives a woman who has been subjected to violence to become a perpetrator?

The journey to that point matters, says a woman in her 50s, now serving a 14-year sentence for the murder of her former partner.

Reflections Behind Bars

In a prison cell at Bredtveit, a woman in her 50s reflects on the life that led her here. On the cell wall, several pictures she has drawn hang—images of children and a Buddha sitting in the lotus position, exuding a sense of tranquility. She is serving a 14-year sentence for killing the man she once loved—a man who also filled her life with fear and violence.

The Dark Side of Love

She describes a life where love and violence went hand in hand. “I felt happy and loved when he danced in the living room and made love songs with my name in them,” she recalls. “But on other days, I feared for my life.” Over time, the abnormal became normal. She reported him to the police multiple times but felt pressured to withdraw her complaints.

The Role of the Police

The convicted woman acknowledges the complexities of living in a destructive relationship.

“Fear for my own life, being choked and threatened, became a daily occurrence,” she says. When asked what happened after reporting him, she admits she was mentally exhausted and felt pressured to withdraw her complaints. “It’s difficult when you’re met with scolding from the police for needing help,” she explains.

She emphasizes the importance of a non-judgmental attitude towards victims of domestic violence. “I spent years trying to understand why he suddenly became violent,” she says. Feeling abandoned by both the police and friends made it even harder to leave. One neighbor once called the police and helped her visit the emergency room, but she later withdrew her complaint due to overwhelming pressure.

“Feeling like you’re betraying your closest person by handing him over to the police is difficult,” she explains. She believes the police should take independent action against abusers instead of relying solely on victims to file and maintain complaints. “Society cannot expect women to stand up to their abusers alone.”

She also criticizes the legal system for placing all the responsibility on abused women while failing to hold authorities accountable for their shortcomings. She advocates for alternative forms of punishment, where treatment is integrated into sentencing, similar to programs for drug addicts. “Both abused women and perpetrators need help,” she insists.

The Expert's Perspective

Hilde Petrine Henriksen, a historian of ideas and a sociologist of law, has reviewed the woman’s story. Henriksen has worked for over ten years as a milieu therapist among the open drug and sex worker communities in Oslo. She now works at the Oslo Crisis Center, one of the largest in the Nordic region, assisting women exposed to violence and abuse.

“Reading her story is deeply moving,” Henriksen comments. She refers to an article from 2019, in which Inger Lise W. Larsen, the recently retired head of the Oslo Crisis Center, challenges the notion that domestic violence is no longer a problem for ethnically Norwegian women. Of the 200 monthly inquiries the Oslo Crisis Center receives, nearly half are from ethnically Norwegian women.

Henriksen highlights flaws in Norway’s domestic violence response system. Despite an action plan launched in 1983 to support abused women, progress remains slow. She questions why there aren’t enough violence alarms for all women in need and criticizes the inconsistent granting of restraining orders across police districts.

“Such cases should be handled by a specialized unit dedicated to domestic violence,” she asserts.

Limited access to reverse violence alarms—which would require perpetrators to face the consequences of their actions—forces many women to live in secrecy or relocate for safety. “Many women struggle under social and economic control within abusive relationships,” Henriksen adds.

Women in Struggle

It is rare for a woman to kill her partner, making it difficult to identify common patterns among female murder convicts in Norway. In her article Rethinking Responsibility, Sarah C. Jobe discusses “moral injury” and its impact on women trapped in violent relationships who ultimately kill their abusers as a last resort. Jobe, who studies and teaches at the intersection of prisons and theology in the U.S., explains that these women often suffer immense guilt and confusion over their actions. She argues that addressing systemic failures is key to societal transformation.

Jobe calls for open discussions on cases where society has failed victims, pushing for better institutions, alternative sentencing, and a justice system that prioritizes rehabilitation.

Building a Safer Society

Many abused women receive harsh punishments—sometimes even more severe than those given to men. The justice system often overlooks the years of suffering that led them to commit violent acts in self-defense.

Henriksen believes better reintegration programs, stronger police protection, and safe housing options for abused women are essential. She also advocates for stricter penalties for violating restraining orders, arguing that these measures could have a strong preventive effect.

She concludes, “Law enforcement and politicians must learn from their mistakes and strive for improvement. A safe home means greater protection not just for women, but for their children as well. Fewer children should have to carry the scars of domestic violence into adulthood, where they risk becoming either victims or perpetrators themselves.”